Midnight Contemplations

What is holding you back?

However you answer that question, there is probably a root of fear connected to what is holding you back in life.

I have a love/hate relationship with nighttime. I guess I always have. I love that its quiet enough for me to be alone with my thoughts. The culmination of the day’s events causes me to reach new conclusions about how to live tomorrow. As I lay my head on my pillow and sort through my day, I attempt to bully my flesh into submission – as if by somehow being critical enough of myself, I will change the decisions that I make. Renewed motivation that I take with me to bed, and somehow misplace within my dreams.

I enjoy the creativity that can come to life at night. Without all the distractions, I’m somehow free to paint, write songs, and dance in an intense sort of fearlessness. Then somewhere in the middle of it, anxiety strikes. I have an enemy who attacks me when I am weak. Although I would love to be awake through the night, God created me for rest.

Somehow, fear always finds me at night. And when I finally begin to give into sleep, I’m reminded that it feels like death; that my vain critiques of the events of my life are silly when faced with the intensity of eternity.

It frustrates me that I will spend a third of my life asleep, but the more I have thought about it, I’ve realized that it is so I will know that I cannot depend on my strength. People can go a very long time trying to sleep, but not achieving real rest. I believe that to rest, you have to surrender yourself to God. You have to have faith, that everything is going to be okay long enough to close your eyes and sleep. Sleep reminds us that God is in control; whether we recognize it or not. It is beautiful when you think about it that way.

What is holding you back? Because it matters. Life is short, and if the answer to that question is fear of death, I urge you not to waste your time there. Fear is not trusting God, and if you trust that He is good, and He is in control, then you can rest in Him, and embrace glorious surrender.

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